My Journey to You

 I caused pain. So much pain.... A few days ago I crossed a line. I knew it when I did it but not how big of a line. It was huge! I hurt George. I didn't know how to fix it. I thought the worst. This is it. I've lost him forever. I can never be forgiven. My impulsiveness finally ruined my whole life and future. This beautiful man scared me to death. I was a wreck. I had to fix this. I was ready to sacrifice my job if need be. It is complicated and the details won't be listed here. I can say the storm was weathered, damage was suffered, and repairs made us stronger.  I guess I am going backwards. Now for the joy. The new camper is finally here. My new General Manager, all 22 years of him, was so kind to let me run around and get paperwork completed and get the camper set up. It is huge! There is so much about it that makes me happy. I forgot the power cord but the heat works. I had to sleep in it the first night even though I was too tired to completely set it up. I know the...

 I have been searching for reasons for gratitude in my life for a long time. Thinking I had found a religion and savior that met my needs helped for a few years. My life was challenging and my self esteem and mental health were all in the negative realms. I could focus on the afterlife instead of living life. That felt safe for a while. Then it began to feel fake.  I wanted to be grateful for my family,  children, home, salvation, job, food, etc... But honestly I was just going through the motions. This year is different. My future is brighter. It wasn't dark with Ted and the kids but I was just a bit dim. Everything around me was grey.  George brought in light. He didn't need to try hard. We needed each other. Together we burn brighter.  To "celebrate" today we just all went to the playground and enjoyed a day off work.

 It has been a while since I had a panic attack. I really scared George at work not because of my attach but how I dealt with it. I tried talking to him but something we talked about earlier that day did feed the attack. Then a hectic day at work kept feeding it....

 When a relationship grows and inside jokes become very commonplace that no explanation is needed you know you are on the right track. I found a dime and a penny in the parking lot and of course I bent down to pick them up.....

 Well, we all have them. When George shared a dream with me it set my mind reeling. It was an innocent dream that he of course had no control over. He dreamed that I was pregnant. Now, bluntly it couldn't have been his. It was just a dream. But my insecure self started dwelling on the loss of my fertility. It is normal and natural. I am 47. But this man. My George deserves children. He may not think so but he does. 

The girl's class ring worn around the neck was such a big deal when I was in high school. I feel so young around George. I just like saying his name even. He accepted my class ring and added it to his chain with another important symbol to him.   

     

 He talks of the way the light falls on my face like he is seeing a sunrise for the first time. I catch him looking at me and he winks. He purposely brushes by me ever so slightly. He says something outlandish just to get me to fall over on the floor laughing. He not only lets my youngest kids crawl all over him he actually encourages it sometimes. He listens. He doesn't just hear me. He LISTENS to me. He is respectful of physical space and needs. He is a gentleman. He is like no one I have ever met. He has me listening to music and enjoying it when music was a source of pain for so long. No matter the time of day, the location, the activity, my state of chaos with the kids, anytime or anywhere, when I see him walking towards me even if he just turned away for a few minutes my heart skips a beat. This man is mine and I am his. It is not about obsessive "ownership" like in some dysfunctional relationships. It is two parts that became a whole.. I am in love. These pictures ...

 That was said by Ted today about George. It was in context of talking about dealing with Elaina's temper tantrums and struggles with anger especially towards Etta. I love Ted even more because he accepts me as myself.

 When someone tells you they love your laugh and that alone brings on a smile , a giggle, and then a full blown belly laugh you may have found the one.

 Yesterday was a big day....

 The time changed last night. I gained an hour but also so much more. I am 47 years old. I have been married twice. Love is very complicated. I feel I have known my Dearheart, George, for a mere few months and a lifetime. Is it a supernatural, Pure happy accident, deja vu, past life, god or goddess inspired pairing, or just plain old luck? Why didn't I meet this man years ago? There is a reason.... Could it be that I needed to become who I am to be who he needed at this time? And the same for him. Maybe he needed this much time and the universe knew that before we fit like a puzzle. A puzzel that used to be missing that one middle piece that one assumed was never included in the first place but was just lost in the mix. 

 

 When you are at a breaking point emotionally and life throws you some unexpected stresses you can end up hurting others. To have someone in your life that listens even when they don't fully understand or can't is irreplaceable. My life is forever changed. Sharing things that I never knew anyone would understand is more meaningful than I thought it would be. Happiness, doubt in myself with a bit of confusion thrown in was my night. It was a long sleepless night. The day has now dawned...

 I am reminded everyday that just a few months ago you weren't in my life and that you will forever be there in the future. The reassurance I get from you is unlike anything I have ever experienced. George,  you are like a gift from the universe. It is like we should have always known each other even as children. But because we met in our late 40s we voice those memories and they seem real and shared. The good ones and the bad ones are shared with joy, laughter, curiosity of each other, and pure greediness to just KNOW. The character building ones, the mistakes, the good choices, and the traumatic events that we were both reluctant to share with each other out of fear fit us together. There is no fear between us. I am safe. I am secure. I am loved. It is like I have a personal mantra whether I want it or not. George, I love you. There are other loves in my life, my children, my husband,  my mother, but I love you like a part of myself that was missing.  

 Finding love is a very difficult thing. One often thinks they find it as a crush or "puppy love" in high school. Or, as a young adult in a rushed marriage. Then children come along and more children even 10 children. A second husband brings some stability and the 6 youngest children. There is love there. There is a home. Happiness comes and goes but it is home. Then falling in love just falls right in your lap. I am in love with my entended, my dearheart. We are engaged to be handfasted next year. I am married to the husband I love and the father of my 6 youngest children. For the first time in decades I am not just not sad, I am HAPPY!!